Suburban Films Reviews and Links

12.27.99 Group C *Please note that I am spelling the titles as they appear in development. Links to other pitch sites
Pitch	Review	Borgies (5 is good, zero is not so good)
FANTASY
The sorcerors stone	I have a new theory about poorly written pitches. My 13-year old brother was begging me to let him create a film this weekend and I had him write a pitch. Well it looked a lot like this one and many others I have come across, so I am guessing that 30-40% of the pitches are written by first time teenage players who don't have the patience to stick around and learn how to play. Maybe a drug bust or venereal disease will get them headed in the right direction. I thought this story actually had promise, but then I realized that it was lifted from a Harry Potter book, so it is both unoriginal AND poorly written. Zero Borgies!
Once upon a Rennisance*	Second week. Unfortunately, the pitch remains the same, mentioning that "Only Rennies will truly appreciate this movie...". Unfortunately, not one mention is made of the movies plot, so I guess we'll never know. Still Zero Borgies.
COMEDY
Chunky!	This is mine. I am really excited about it, but you'll have to review it for yourself.	REVIEWER'S PITCH.
The odd couple	A remake of the Odd Couple, starring Crystal and Willis. This has promise, but the Odd Couple has been done to death. The pitch is poorly written and doesn't break any new ground. One Borgie.
Show Your Faults	Interesting...the stars in the pitch (Roberts, Lewis, Ustinov) are completely different from the ones listed under "Stars". The pitch seems more like a drama anyway...it doesn't really strike me as funny. Zero Borgies.
The Road Less Traveled	The pitch highlights the technical details of the shoot (one shot, baby!) rather than getting into the meat of the plot. We are told that craziness "ensues", but not WHAT type of craziness. Zero Borgies.
Chase The Girl	The pitch starts out with promise, but then peters out, leaving out any details of what will make the movie funny. A rewrite may save it. One Borgie.
Eddie's Airport	Eddie is a homeless guy living at a local airport. Debra is a reporter who discovers Eddie while writing an expose on the airport. Now she wants to help him find a new life. The pitch needs to be rewritten to highlight some of the comedic plot lines...cuz it doesn't sound REAL funny. One Borgie.
The Window Washer	One of the problems with a lot of comedy pitches is that the writer infers humor through casting, rather than through the pitch. This pitch is a good example - funny cast (Sandler, Stiller, Ribisi), unfunny pitch. If Borgie ain't laughin' at your pitch, how can he laugh at your script? Zero Borgies.
Day of the Director	Maybe I am losing my mind, but I see promise here. Maybe in the hands of another writer, a story about fictional directors killing each other off would be darkly funny. Unfortunately, this pitch speaks in too many generalities - "everything to gain- and everything to lose" for my tastes. Two Borgies for promise.
I Hate Hamlet	Well written pitch based on a play with which I am unfamiliar. Strange directorial choice (Zemeckis), but good cast (Damon, Danes, et al). My only problem is that the pitch doesn't strike me as being real funny, but I am going to give the benefit of the doubt here. Three Borgies.
Happy Gilmore 2	Pitched as having a slightly different cast, but same plot as the first movie. Not original enough for Borgie. Zero Borgies!
Mallrats 2: When The Mall Calls	I wasn't a big fan of Mallrats the first time around and this pitch doesn't give any insight into why a remake would be any funnier. Zero Borgies.
The Biggest Toke	Second week, not re-written. Billed as a modern day Cheech and Chong, so we are left to infer that it will use the same type of humor in the movie. The plot is formulaic, so the pitch has to rely on the two main characters to pull it off. Unfortunately there isn't a lot of meat for them to sink their teeth into. Two Borgies.
Ted & Fred: Ace Filmmakers?	Second week, not re-written. The basic idea - two directors get a big budget to make a movie, blow the money, then must make the movie out of their own pockets - is so completely unlikely, that I am going to focus instead on a great looking cast. I mean, Chris Elliott is hot! One Borgie.
Service With A Smile	Second week, not re-written. The basic plot here is the exact same as Clerks - so I am going to pass on this and go rent the real thing. Zero Borgies!
I Wanna Be a Porn Star	Second week, not re-written. This pitch has promise, although anyone who has seen Ron Jeremy lately would NEVER cast him as a porn star. Two Borgies.
LunchBox	Second week, not re-written. The fact that a Catholic School and a whorehouse are right next to each other across the street from MacDonald and Green's restaurant should be funny, but the plot involves saving a young girl from a life of "tricks". Like there is anything wrong with that. One Borgie.
Jesus Christ Y2K	Second week, not re-written. This pitch doesn't make the movie sound real funny. Zero Borgies.
EPIC, WESTERN & WAR FILMS
The Silver Star	Not in my mother tongue and I am stubbornly mono-lingual.	No rating - foreign language pitch.
The Last Reward	Sounds like a good, mindless action-adventure-type Western. I like the cast and director and basic premise, BUT the pitch is poorly written...needs a script doctor if it gets release. Three Borgies.
LUSITANIA	Second week, not re-written. Described as a sequel to Titanic, but no mention of the plot. Needs some more meat. One Borgie.
Medal of Honor	Second week, not re-written. Blockbuster written all over this one. Amazing cast, great director, promising plot. Still, the pitch is poorly written, which makes me think the script will be as well. That's too bad. Two Borgies.
Spirit of Wings	Second week, not re-written. Tell me more about why Frank Rohrenbeck is an interesting character and who Heanne Doran is. This pitch has slight promise but needs a re-write. One Borgie.
ROMANTIC COMEDIES
Pink Ladies	The Pink Ladies of Grease fame are given their own movie, but the pitch doesn't clue us into what will happen. The ages of the actors playing the "Ladies" is also wildly divergent. Zero Borgies for half-assed effort.
The Chipmunks: 40 years older	What happens when teenagers hit the crackpipe? They pitch Gary Oldman-directed, live-action Chipmunk remakes. Goodness. One Bewildered Borgie.
Devans Er Page	Bad title, no plot and Demi Moore. Five...no...make that Zero Borgies.
Every Jack has His Bill	Second week, not re-written. Gay trucker and lawyer meet and fall in love. Ten years ago this would have been groundbreaking or original, now we need an extra twist to get this one out of development. One Borgie.
Whatever Gets You Through The Night	Second week, not re-written. I liked this one more last week, but I still think it has promise, although I wish it had been re-written. Changing my review to Three Borgies from Four.
FAMILY & MUSICAL FILMS
The Ballplayer	No new ground here, which makes it the perfect family film. The pitch ends in a question, which puts the creative onus on the reader, not the writer - a cop out in my opinion. Two Borgies.
Singin' in the Rain	Second week, not re-written. One sentence (maybe) pitch, not enough meat. One Borgie. And that is being kind.
DRAMATIC FILMS
Rob News	Poorly written pitch about a journalist who has decided to reveal all the dirt he has gathered on celebrities during his life. I think. Needs a rewrite and expansion. Borgie says, "VP gave you an 85-word limit. Use it!" Zero Borgies.
Same place, at same hour	Another poorly written pitch - this time about a man reflecting on forbidden teenage love. Not much new ground here and no interesting plot twists. Take a look at a movie like Lone Star which weaves the forbidden love theme into a richer story line with excellent plot twists. Zero borgies.
Mojave Burning	This desert sex romp seems like it will get too preachy to be a David Lynch film. What else, besides sex scenes between hot actors, would compel me to vote for this pitch? One hot and bothered Borgie.
WallRuss	A potentially touching film about the relationship between a soldier and a boy behind the Berlin Wall. I am calling for a rewrite here, though, because the producer only lists one cast member and needs to tighten up the pitch...add some compelling plot elements and lose the last line. Two Borgies.
Cap'n Spaulding's Pizza	An unfortunate title and a plot which deals with the familiar themes of desire, coping and loss. Not a lot of new ground here. Tighten up the plot, add some interesting elements and resubmit! One Borgie.
Perfume	Another poorly written pitch, this time based on a book titled Das Parfum. The plot is interesting, I think, but I need a more cohesively written pitch. I don't have a lot of patience for poorly written pitches that are adaptations...half your work is already done! Zero Borgies.
True Love Never Dies	Second week, not re-written. A story of death and coping, not enough interesting plot elements to make for a good movie. Zero Borgies.
Tracks	Second week, not re-written. A possibility, but it does not get into the plot much, focusing instead on generalities. Two Borgies.
The Boys from Brooklyn	Second week, not re-written. An interesting story and sure to be controversial. I assume it tries to link "good" skinheads to the working class British skinheads - the original skins, I think. May possibly be a lot of propaganda, however...maybe a more even-handed pitch is needed here. Two Borgies.
Theodore Dreiser's An American Tragedy	Second week, not re-written. I haven't read the book, but this sounds like a reasonable adaptation, albeit a bit similar to the soon to be released "The Talented Mr. Ripley". Well written, coherent pitch. Three Borgies.
Antipathy	I think this got bought into release. Coming soon to a theatre near you. Four Borgies.
HORROR FILMS
Bad Acting - Worse Murder	More of an advertisement than a pitch. Tell me what happens, not how scary it will be! Zero Borgies.
Instinct To Kill	This sounds a lot like Jawbreaker/Heathers, with a sprinkling of Scream. The biggest problem with horror pitches is that new, creative ground is RARELY broken. I would love to vote for an original horror pitch. Zero borgies.
Kaccels	The pitch is, unintentionally, I think, hilarious. No red meat though, but I am still laughing. One Borgie.
All-Night Video	Clerks meets Blade meets Vampire Porn. Derivative but titillating. It is so uncreative, though, that I am going to pass. One Borgie.
Kiss Of Akaasha	Interesting story, but the pitch leaves us hanging. For instance, what makes this a horror film? More plot description might put this one over the top. Right now it sounds like a romantic comedy. Two Borgies.
BLOOD KILLER	I counted at least three cliches in this pitch, making the whole thing a cliche. While that doesn't necessarily stop Hollywood from making a movie in RL, I am going to object here, particularly because there are no creative plot elements. Zero borgies.
Clock Tower	This might be an adaptation, but it is too close to ISKWYDLS for my taste. And I'm sorry, but I am having a hard time being horrified by "ScissorMan". Zero Borgies.
Glamis Castle	Second week, not re-written. Glamis Castle...the castle of fear! However, we are not told why this is such a horrifying castle. Zero Borgies.
ACTION ADVENTURE FILMS
SAS	Great cast and good starting point for an exciting movie. There is no plot here, though, so I would suggest reworking the pitch to include one. One Borgie for the cast.
Batman: Death and Resurrection	Batman is killed, The Joker reigns, Batman is resurrected. This is all fine, but I need more explanation...put some more meat on those bones. One Borgie.
Seven Steps to Heaven	Interesting pitch, I guess, but the basic story has been done before. The plot twist described at the end is more of an element and not interesting enough to get my vote. Zero Borgies.
A Lonely Life	No description of WHY. Gotta have the why, not just the WHO. Zero Borgies.
Y2K	Poorly written pitch of a hackneyed idea. How about Y8K? Zero Borgies.
Knight Rider	Prominent on the message boards lately, so I am surprised at how LEAN this pitch is. Get a pitch doctor to help you or at least flesh out the plot in 85 words, no less. Two Borgies on promise and casting.
Royal Flash	An adaptation of the Flashman series. This pitch has promise, but is not coherent. Needs more plot and less character description. Two Borgies.
Eyes of Danger	Second week, not re-written. This says it is a sequel to "Leon", but I am guessing it is a sequel to "The Professional", although I could be wrong. The pitch has Portman also becoming a hitman, but does not give us any other clues to why this will be a great action movie. One Borgie.
ANIMATED FILMS
Appendix A	A mix of Star Wars and Terminator. I like the possibilities of an animated Star Wars, but this plot is not original enough to get my huge ass to the box office. One Borgie.
Redwall	I know I said this before, but I have a low tolerance for poorly written pitches that are adaptations. This sounds like an interesting enough story (although kind of a mixture of the themes from Antz and A Bug's Life), but I want to see a better pitch. Poorly written pitches equal poorly written scripts, in most cases. One Borgie.
The Sandmen	Second week, not re-written. The pitch starts out well, but then cops out at the end by asking the reader to let his/her imagination run wild. One Borgie for potential.
Action Turtle	Second week, not re-written. The diabolical threat involves bringing Marilyn Manson music to the masses. I got news for you: it's too late. Zero Borgies.
SCI-FI FILMS
Antares	Lots of teaser here. You have to reveal the "secret" in your pitch since it is central to the plot. Zero Borgies.
Episode 7	More ad than pitch. More gelatinous desert than red meat. Give Borgie some plot! Zero Borgies.
Madness	Second week, not re-written. The pitch has a couple of holes, but I like the potential psycho-action. Needs tightening up. One Borgie.
A Hero Shall Come	Second week, not re-written. Here is another pitch that cops out by leaving a lot up to the reader's imagination. Zero Borgies.
Other Worlds	Second week, not re-written. An interesting concept, but the pitch feigns creativity by introducing potentially interesting characters, but no real plot elements. One Borgie.
Earth 3000: The Final Battle	Second week, not re-written. Humans vs. aliens in an epic battle. Not a lot of new ground here, the pitch needs to be reworked to include some creative elements. Zero Borgies.
ARTHOUSE/DOCUMENTARY
Chasing Kevin	I don't like this pitch...it doesn't promise much in the way of story. HOWEVER, I would love to see a documentary on Kevin Smith, View Askew Productions, etc.. I think his story is fascinating and would lend itself well to a documentary. Unfortunately, unless you are intimate with the ins and outs of this subject, it would be difficult to create a VP documentary. One Borgie.
The Many Faces of JP Morgan	This pitch got put in the wrong genre, I think, although I guess it could qualify as Arthouse. The writer needs to resubmit the pitch with a tighter plot. Lose the advertising and concentrate on the story elements. Two Borgies.
Working With Sex	A pitch about the life of a prostitute, framed in the same setting as Scorcese's "Taxi Driver". Unfortunately, no new ground is broken here and we are stuck with a derivative story. Maybe a crazy plot twist would spice it up. One lonely Borgie.
...And Music For All.	Second week, not re-written. Not sure how this would break any new ground after the VH-1 special, unless it is going to focus a lot more on Cliff. I am wondering if there is 100 minutes worth of documentary footage available on this band yet. Maybe 10 years from now. One Borgie because I like Metallica.
A Life in High School	Second week, not re-written. This would be a great documentary, but as a work of fiction, doesn't seem real interesting. Zero Borgies.
MYSTERY/THRILLER FILMS
Sweet Emotion	A battle waged by Aerosmith to save rock from Marilyn Manson and their ilk. For starters, this is in the wrong genre. And if Aerosmith is going to battle anyone, I would guess N'Sync, Backstreet, etc., would be the targets. This just doesn't work for me, maybe because the pitch is an ad and not a plot description. Zero Borgies.
www.death.com	I like the idea of being able to kill yourself by going to www.death.com - don't ask me why. Still, this pitch is convoluted - it needs to focus more on the how and why and steer away from cliches like "her worst fears are realized". One Borgie.
The Zodiac Killer	A poorly written pitch of a book adaptation. I am assuming there is more to the story than "a seemingly never-ending trail of corpses through the streets of San Francisco". More insight into who the Zodiac killer is would help. Zero Borgies.
Cancer Man	Maybe I am not edgy enough but this is an awful idea. The thought that someone would want to contract cancer so they could "take some time off" or "get legal access to pot" is ridiculous and insensitive. There may be a story in the third thread - contracting a disease because of a lack of attention at home, but the whole premise is idiotic. Zero Borgies.
"second chance"	Looks like someone's little brother found VirtualProducer. Halloween meets Scream. I'll call it Screamin' Halloweenies. Zero Borgies.
God is a bullet	A poorly written pitch of adapted material. Poor casting (Penn as a leader of a band of YOUNG psychos). The pitch is one long incomplete run-on sentence. Zero Borgies.
April Fools	Laughing again, even though the pitch is not supposed to be funny. See my review of "second chance". Zero Borgies.
Click	This pitch is an updated version, probably unintentionally, of the russian roulette scene in "Deer Hunter". I can't see improving on that, but there may be a story here. Still, a decently written pitch, although I am sick of nihilism as a central plot theme. Two Borgies.
Covert Ops	The pitch is just silly. We need plot elements. It's that simple. Zero Borgies.
Too Close for Comfort	I have seen this one re-worked on the bulletin board, which is a good start, but I must confess that I have had enough of "copycat" movies. Maybe an interesting twist...like the husband turning out to be the killer...would help. Two Borgies for trying.
scream 4	An Italian pitch of Scream 4! And I thought I got all my presents on Christmas Day!!!!! Zero Borgies.
Without any reasons	Second week, not re-written. The grammar in this pitch is so poor, I had a hard time following the plot elements. I would like to read it again after a rewrite, because it seems like there is some promise. One Borgie.
Driven	Second week, not re-written. No real description of plot elements, just advertising for a pitch that can't even be described. Zero Borgies.
Operation: Mindcrime	Second week, not re-written. Interesting plot, based on a Queensryche concept album. Like I said last week, the plot is incomplete, but the pitcher refuses to clear it up. Elements like "knows too much" need expanding and pitches should not be cliffhangers. Still three Borgies.
other pitch sites RAMEY \| Sneakey Pete \| On the Aisle