Suburban Films Reviews and Links

12.13.99 Group C This is my first week of doing pitch reviews. It helps me choose which pitches to vote for and hopefully it will be mildly entertaining to you. *Please note that I am spelling the titles as they appear in development.
Pitch	Review	Borgies (5 is good, zero is not so good)
FANTASY
Aeon Flux	An incredibly engaging animation series from Peter Chang, but I am wondering how well it would translate into a feature film. Aeon can become incredibly convoluted at times and 90 straight minutes of it may be too much. The pitch is a good idea, but I would have liked to have seen this as a live-action flick. Three Borgies.
The Shadow Claw	I am not familiar with the Heroic Trio series, and this pitch assumes one would be. This pitch needs to be more specific about who the characters are and what the terrorist plot involves. With that said, it sounds like it has the elements of a good mindless karate flick. Two Borgies.
Once upon a Rennisance*	The pitch mentions that "Only Rennies will truly appreciate this movie...". Unfortunately, not one mention is made of the movies plot, so I guess we'll never know. Zero Borgies.
COMEDY
The Biggest Toke	Billed as a modern day Cheech and Chong, so we are left to infer that it will use the same type of humor in the movie. The plot is formulaic, so the pitch has to rely on the two main characters to pull it off. Unfortunately there isn't a lot of meat for them to sink their teeth into. Two Borgies.
Trials and Tribulations	The plot seems fresh and original, if somewhat implausible and only slightly funny. Still, it has promise, although I would look to recast. Three Borgies.
Ted & Fred: Ace Filmmakers?	The basic idea - two directors get a big budget to make a movie, blow the money, then must make the movie out of their own pockets - is so completely unlikely, that I am going to focus instead on a great looking cast. I mean, Chris Elliott is hot! One Borgie.
The Minister	I like when pitches add together plot elements in an equation and then comes up with an answer like: "...and that equals hilarious antics!". The plot sounds vaguely like Kingpin, in which Randy Quaid's character goes through a similar eye-opening experience. Since this is directed by Smith, I'll call it Dogma on Crack. One Borgie.
Spy vs. Spy	Good concept, bad pitch. We are told this will be a blockbuster based on the actors, but what about the plot? Since there is none, I'll assume the Spies are warring because they used to date, but have now broken up. Zero Borgies.
Last Resort Video	I have seen this pitch get worked and re-worked on the bulletin board and that is why it now stands out against some of the other pitches. The pitch is coherent, explains what line the plot is going to take and why this movie might be funny. I wish comedy projected better in pitches, because this still doesn't strike me as being real funny, but it does have potential. Three Borgies.
Service With A Smile	The basic plot here is the exact same as Clerks - so I am going to pass on this and go rent the real thing. Zero Borgies!
Y2K=BS	Terribly written pitch. Moronic title. Intriguing idea. A group of teens with a motorhome, a chihuahua, and $650 get into a lot of trouble. Sounds funny to me. Three Borgies.
Morbid Puck	A comedy based on the real life season of the 1998-99 Dallas Stars. The producer tells us it will be funny like SlapShot, but not WHY. One Borgie.
I Wanna Be a Porn Star	This pitch has promise, although anyone who has seen Ron Jeremy lately would NEVER cast him as a porn star. Two Borgies.
Seinfeld: Prison Escape	Anything Seinfeld did was funny, except of course, for the last episode...and this builds on that. So I say, NO SOUP FOR YOU! One Borgie.
Best Friends	This pitch is generic and doesn't give us any insight into why this group of friends is worth a two hour movie. Good cast, but the pitch needs to be much more specific. One Borgie.
ghostbusters 3	Will this one be better than Ghostbusters 2? How do we know? The plot is vague, so I am guessing there is a 50-50 chance. One Borgie.
Jack Move Fool	The pitch isn't really funny, but infers humor because everyone is trying not to get "smoked". I guess when you mix up pimps, hookers, and the mob, hilarious antics are supposed to ensue. One Borgie.
LunchBox	The fact that a Catholic School and a whorehouse are right next to each other across the street from MacDonald and Green's restaurant should be funny, but the plot involves saving a young girl from a life of "tricks". Like there is anything wrong with that. One Borgie.
Strangers in Paradise	The pitch involves two women but only lists one actor in the cast. It also goes into only vague detail about what happens in the movie. Zero Borgies.
Jesus Christ Y2K	This pitch doesn't make the movie sound real funny. Zero Borgies.
Superhero	Not very original. If it is a riff on Superman and is meant to be funny, then I want to know HOW it will be funny. Zero Borgies.
The Strip	Another Kevin Smith directed pitch. This one is about young males' obsessions with drag racing. Like many of the other pitches, there is no mention of why this movie will be funny. Maybe it should be about young males and "funny cars", another type of racing car that I hear mentioned in radio ads. Zero Borgies.
The Killer Mambo	The plot seems just a weeeee bit thin here and it borrows liberally from the "copycat" type of horror movies. Zero Borgies.
EPIC, WESTERN & WAR FILMS
LUSITANIA	Described as a sequel to Titanic, but no mention of the plot. Needs some more meat. One Borgie.
Medal of Honor	Blockbuster written all over this one. Amazing cast, great director, promising plot. Still, the pitch is poorly written, which makes me think the script will be as well. That's too bad. Two Borgies.
Spirit of Wings	Tell me more about why Frank Rohrenbeck is an interesting character and who Heanne Doran is. This pitch has slight promise but needs a re-write. One Borgie.
WORLD WAR 3	The pitch for this film is more of an advertisement than a description of what the movie will be about. I wouldn't mind seeing a World War III epic, but I need to know a little bit about the plot first. One Borgie.
Napoleon: Fall at Waterloo	A Luc Besson film detailing the events leading up to Napoleon's battle at Waterloo, presumably from both Napoleon's and the British Generals' perspective. Unfortunately, the pitch is poorly written, portending an awful script. One Borgie.
ROMANTIC COMEDIES
Charlie's Choices	This one has promise, but not enough of an edge to have Kevin Smith direct. The plot seems slightly unoriginal and needs some spicing up. Two Borgies.
Every Jack has His Bill	Gay trucker and lawyer meet and fall in love. Ten years ago this would have been groundbreaking or original, now we need an extra twist to get this one out of development. One Borgie.
Whatever Gets You Through The Night	FINALLY! One that I am going to vote for...good cast, decent director, albeit a fuzzy complication from the mobster. Yes, this isn't Four Weddings and a Funeral, but it sounds entertaining. Four Borgies.
US	Back to the grind...This is the "Story of [an]...unforgettable story". While the pitch points out that the story shouldn't be missed, it doesn't say why. Zero Borgies.
FAMILY & MUSICAL FILMS
La casa fantasma	No plot description. Zero Borgies.
Singin' in the Rain	One sentence (maybe) pitch, not enough meat. One Borgie. And that is being kind.
DRAMATIC FILMS
True Love Never Dies	A story of death and coping, not enough interesting plot elements to make for a good movie. Zero Borgies.
Tracks	A possibility, but it does not get into the plot much, focusing instead on generalities. Two Borgies.
The Boys from Brooklyn	An interesting story and sure to be controversial. I assume it tries to link "good" skinheads to the working class British skinheads - the original skins, I think. May possibly be a lot of propaganda, however...maybe a more even-handed pitch is needed here. Two Borgies.
Theodore Dreiser's An American Tragedy	I haven't read the book, but this sounds like a reasonable adaptation, albeit a bit similar to the soon to be released "The Talented Mr. Ripley". Well written, coherent pitch. Three Borgies.
Antipathy	I've seen this pitch reworked in discussion and it is much better now than before. I like the idea of casting Harrelson as the Father with Van Sant as the director. Hopefully the script will deliver on this promising pitch. Four Borgies.
The Future's Past	Interesting plot, but I need a little more meat than what you give me here. The Wachowski Brothers always make things interesting, however. Three Borgies.
The Manchurian Candidate	I can't see the point of remaking this film...unless you want to try and improve on Sinatra's ridiculous karate fight. Perhaps if this was updated to the present day...and if that was your intent, you did not give me any plot clues in the pitch. One Borgie.
Dead and Already Loving It	The first sentence of the pitch - "Life on the street is hard, life is even harder when you're a vampire addicted to porn and heroin." - made me laugh out loud. It is genuinely funny, unfortunately, this is supposed to be a Drama, and the rest of the pitch is just boilerplate redemption stuff - "even for a dead guy". Zero Borgies.
Forest Rd Farm	Flockhart and Stewart as married farmers is a bit of a leap for me. The story has potential, but must be expanded from the gimmick of talking cows. One Borgie.
Dead Superstar	Superstar fakes death, then decides not to be dead. Potential, but a poorly written pitch and lack of plot depth have doomed this poor pitch. Zero Borgies.
6 of 1	I wanted to like this one, because it has a great cast (Norton, MacGregor, Buscemi, Graham, et al), but the plot is silly and the pitch unfocused. One Borgie for the great cast.
Winter in the Garden	The pitch is a background description on the characters, but doesn't tell us where the movie is going. More meat! Zero borgies.
Fear is Thy Father	Excellent. I like Orwellian stories and this has Big Brother going for it. While I did not see Gattaca, I have read others' comments that this is a different plot. Four Borgies.
HORROR FILMS
Glamis Castle	Glamis Castle...the castle of fear! However, we are not told why this is such a horrifying castle. Zero Borgies.
The Next Horror	A horror film directed by Woody Allen. The pitch offers only hype and no plot description, so I'll have to withhold my Borgies. Zero Borgies.
Slash	I am noticing a trend with a lot of these pitches: they are all rip-offs of the Scream/I Know What You Did, etcetera franchises. I want something original in my horror pitches, starting with the cast. Zero Borgies.
Meow	Chevy Chase's cat is Satan, and Chevy has been committed and can not stop his devilish feline. Unfortunately, we do not get much else from the pitch and I am having a hard time seeing Renny Harlin directing this pitch. Zero Borgies.
The Lab Man	The Lab Man is a disgruntled student who puts explosives in beakers that react accordingly when they come in contact with a certain liquid. I can't see a whole movie based on this, nor one that is real scary. Zero Borgies.
Nightmare on ELf Street	Revenge of the Elfs. One Borgie for semi-originality.
The Shining 2	The Shining was so freakin' scary and I doubt that it could ever be outdone. I am going to point out that the grammar in this pitch is so bad, I had to reread a couple of times to get the gist of the pitch. Zero Borgies for bad grammar.
The Black Realm	Vampires take over the world. Not real original and a poorly written pitch with no protagonist. Zero Borgies.
Wes Craven's JERSEY DEVIL	This has the basic plot elements for a Grade B scary movie. Two Borgies.
Mikey2: Mikeys Revenge	I didn't see the first one in the series, and this pitch isn't meaty enough to get me to vote for the follow-up. Zero Borgies.
ACTION ADVENTURE FILMS
The Showdown	Psychotic Ninja Assassins and Steven Seagal should equal a moderately successful straight-to-video release. I just don't see enough original plot elements in this bad boy and Segal is kind of a has-been (don't tell him I said that!) Two Borgies.
Royal Flash	I am not familiar with the book series this is based on, but it sounds like a sort of 19th Century James Bond. The pitch starts out ok, but ends with a cliche, turning me off altogether. One Borgie.
Eyes of Danger	This says it is a sequel to "Leon", but I am guessing it is a sequel to "The Professional", although I could be wrong. The pitch has Portman also becoming a hitman, but does not give us any other clues to why this will be a great action movie. One Borgie.
Infinity	I am taking the easy way out here...this is so poorly written that I can't even understand it. Sorry. Zero Borgies.
Wonder Woman	Rosie as Wonder Woman? I like that we have a regular sized woman as a superhero. Unfortunately, the rest of the pitch is as thin as 20-year old Linda Carter, so I'll have to pass. Zero Borgies.
What Has The World Come To?	I like any elite force that includes Snipes, Li and Rhames, but this plot is shot fool of holes and too formulaic for my tastes. One Borgie for the casting.
ANIMATED FILMS
The Sandmen	The pitch starts out well, but then cops out at the end by asking the reader to let his/her imagination run wild. One Borgie for potential.
Action Turtle	The diabolical threat involves bringing Marilyn Manson music to the masses. I got news for you: it's too late. Zero Borgies.
SCI-FI FILMS
Madness	The pitch has a couple of holes, but I like the potential psycho-action. Needs tightening up. One Borgie.
the incredible tide	This pitch is written in Italian, and while I am sure it is the next "2001", I can't understand any language other than my mother tongue. No rating.	NO RATING - Foreign Language Pitch.
A Hero Shall Come	Here is another pitch that cops out by leaving a lot up to the reader's imagination. Zero Borgies.
Other Worlds	An interesting concept, but the pitch feigns creativity by introducing potentially interesting characters, but no real plot elements. One Borgie.
Earth 3000: The Final Battle	Humans vs. aliens in an epic battle. Not a lot of new ground here, the pitch needs to be reworked to include some creative elements. Zero Borgies.
Fifth Element	Four word pitch, but no plot elements. Zero Borgies.
starwars the glove of darth vader	This movie promises the wonder of Star Wars, but doesn't have any plot description. Zero Borgies.
Creation	Man freaks out because he is not a unique race and wages war on alien beings that look just like Man. I really like this concept, but I would like to see a better pitch, ignoring the first two sentences and expanding to the full 85 words. Three Borgies for originality.
ARTHOUSE/DOCUMENTARY
...And Music For All.	Not sure how this would break any new ground after the VH-1 special, unless it is going to focus a lot more on Cliff. I am wondering if there is 100 minutes worth of documentary footage available on this band yet. Maybe 10 years from now. One Borgie because I like Metallica.
A Life in High School	This would be a great documentary, but as a work of fiction, doesn't seem real interesting. Zero Borgies.
MYSTERY/THRILLER FILMS
Blurred	This one is mine, so I have to pass on a review.
Big Poppa	I like this idea as part of a larger investigation into the deaths and arrests of notable members of the rap industry. It would be great as a documentary. This pitch sensationalizes it a bit too much. One Borgie.
Rupert Wainwright's Dark Reign	I haven't played the game of the same name, but the plot has promise. The pitch needs to be tightened up and clarified for game novices. Two Borgies.
Without any reasons	The grammar in this pitch is so poor, I had a hard time following the plot elements. I would like to read it again after a rewrite, because it seems like there is some promise. One Borgie.
Driven	No real description of plot elements, just advertising for a pitch that can't even be described. Zero Borgies.
Criminal Tendencys	No new ground here, borrows from Reservoir Dogs, Heat, et al. I would like to see some creative plot elements in this one. Zero Borgies.
Operation: Mindcrime	Interesting plot, based on a Queensryche album. The plot description seems incomplete, however. I would be interested in knowing what happens after Father and Mary are found dead, as that cannot be the end of the film. Three Borgies.
Family Relations	This starts out well, but I need an explanation why the Older Detective is protecting his serial killer brother. One Borgie.
Gone	Lots of generalities in this pitch. I know I sound like a broken record, but I need MORE MEAT! Zero Borgies.
Stranded	Five friends parachute onto a deserted island and get stalked...by the pilot? The Skipper? Just kidding...this just sounds too Gilligan's Island meets IKWYDLS for me. Zero Borgies.
A Day in the Dust	This is a prequel to Another Day in the Dust, which I have not seen. This pitch just doesn't do it for me. I would be interested in learning some more story elements, because I see potential in it, but am feeling stonewalled by the generic descriptions of McKenna and Keaton's characters. Two Borgies.
end of days	Wow...End of Days is till in the theatres and already a remake! Lucky us. Zero Borgies.
TRIANGLE	The last sentence in this pitch - "the real reason behind the Bermuda triangle is about to be unearthed" - is a bit of a cop out. The pitch needs to be rewritten in a more cohesive fashion, with explanations of what will be unearthed. One Borgie.
The Third Twin	This pitch is confusing and needs to be reworked. The scientist finds twins with different mothers and because of this "realizes that someone is trying to stop her in every way". Huh? Zero Borgies.